Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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