i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
