I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
