when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
