Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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