The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
