the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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