In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
