Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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