I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
