Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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