May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
