Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
