Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
