For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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