I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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