I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
They took my balls.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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