you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
