I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
