just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
