I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize