We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
