I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My ATM looks so different sober.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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