the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
