Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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