i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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