Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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