Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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