Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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