Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
