I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
