I wish my penis had an off switch
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
