so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
