come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
