my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
