Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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