dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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