Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
