Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
