my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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