I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
