im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
