Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
