I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
