I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
