Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
