Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
