just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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