guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
