giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
